Chupacabra Terror (2005) Review

Love saying the name too bad about the film.

Chupacabra Terror (Chupacabra: Dark Seas) (2005): 2 out of 10: It was the Navy Seal team that tipped the balance from bad cheesy movie to just bad. Up till then, there was a lot of bad movie baggage but the Seals… They are wearing bicycle helmets painted black. You know the ones with air holes that make every adult who wears them look like a complete tool. Of course, the bass fishing boat they took to greet the cruise ship might have been another clue (it wouldn’t make it across Tampa Bay let alone an ocean)… and their tactics wouldn’t pass muster on a 3rd rate Xbox 360 game.

Does director John Shepphird have photos of John Rhys-Davies in a compromising position with a Hobbit? Because I can’t think of any other reason he would be in this movie. The other actors have a great excuse. They are talentless unattractive hacks that couldn’t get hired for an infomercial. The plot is that two men try to smuggle the mythical Chupacabra (Love saying that name) aboard a cruise ship and it gets loose.

The sets consist of horrible cruise ship fakery (complete with airshafts the size of a small apartment), the monster killings are bottom of the barrel, there is no nudity, and a lot of really bad actors refuse to finish their death scenes. Of particular annoyance is a gigolo character from a 60’s Doris Day movie.

The cast bleeds ketchup while the Chupacabra bleeds green glow in the dark blood. (Why a goat eating Mexican mammal would bleed anything but red is beyond me.)

Every B movie has a tipping point that makes it a fun time (Hey it’s a lesbian shower scene, OMG that guy just ate is own eyeballs) or not so fun (Did they just call those forty-something overweight guys wearing coveralls and bicycle helmets Navy Seals?) Chupacabra falls into the not so fun B movie side with a thud.

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