So this isn’t about the Yankees?
First a note: This review for 1990: The Bronx Warriors was first published on March 6th, 2005. It contains language that fourteen years later can read as insensitive and homophobic. I have chosen not to heavily edit the piece as I feel it would be a bit dishonest and also if you have seen 1990 The Bronx Warriors, you might agree the observations are spot on, homophobic or otherwise.
A second note regarding the first note.
Since I am doing some housekeeping by adding a review of the RiffTrax version of 1990: Bronx Warriors, I have decided to be dishonest and clean up even more of the sophomoric humor regarding the sexual orientation of some of the characters involved in the film. Not all of them, mind you. The Chorus Line gang … I mean, I just can’t.
A Third Note regarding both the Second Note and the First note.
A homosexual once bit my sister… No realli! She was Karving her initials on the homosexual with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge – her brother-in-law – an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: “The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist”, “Fillings of Passion”, “The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink”…
A Fourth Note regarding both the third note as well as the second note and the first note.
We apologise for the content of the third note. Clearly a poor copy and paste from the opening credits of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and then simply substituting the rather funny word moose with the term homosexual. At the beginning of Pride month no less. Those responsible have been sacked. Mynd you, Homosexual bites Kan be pretti nasti…
A fifth note regarding both the fourth note as well as the third note, the second note, and the first note.
We apologise regarding the fourth note. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.
1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982): 2 out of 10: It’s the distant future, and the Bronx is now a no-go zone filled with criminal scum. A rich 17-year-old girl escapes her guardians and flees into the Bronx where she meets up with a large-breasted male hairdresser who leads a motorcycle gang?
Hold on, let me check the box Italian, eh? Should have known. Yes, it’s a ripoff of Escape from New York mixed with The Warriors.
The film is loaded with problems even for an Italian rip off hack job. First of all, they are not in the Bronx. Helpful hints include the World Trade Center and UN building, not to mention the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. I guess 1990 the Brooklyn Warriors sounded too much like a baseball movie.
Despite listing the Hell’s Angels as technical support, the biker gang leads are, well, not exactly macho. The fight scenes tend to show off their ballet and modern jazz skills as opposed to actual combat skills.
And the outfits could give leather clothes a bad name for years to come. It’s a fine line between wearing your leathers to ride and looking like an extra from Cruising. Even the late Vic Morrow goes leather bar at the end.
The dialog is awful beyond belief and the acting is at community theater level. The gangs our heroes fight against are even worse. First, you have the Rollerball rejects with Spaceballs’ helmets and then the cast of A Chorus Line makes an appearance. (This is not an exaggeration. There is a scene where the motorcycle gang battles a Broadway review) Fred Williamson (who confusingly is called Trash while Vic Morrow’s character is called the Hammer), Betty Dessy as Hammers girl Witch (In her only film) and Joshua Sinclair as Ice all give entertaining performances.
The two leads, however, Stefinia Girolami Goodwin and Mark Gregory could not be worse. Their chemistry is nil and their line reading is atrocious. Looks like I owe 2019: After the Fall of New York an apology. There are worse post-apocalypse biker films set in New York than that one.
As Joe Bob Briggs might say 17 breasts, zero of which belong to the ladies.
RiffTrax version of 1990: The Bronx Warriors: 9 out of 10: It is always exciting to see the boys take on a movie I had said to myself I would love to see the RiffTrax version of this. The delight when they notice things I notice such as the Bronx Warriors are apparently working out of Brooklyn. And a further delight when they point out things that I didn’t notice. (Such as the Italian catacombs in New York.)
RiffTrax also gets points for not making nearly as many cheap gay jokes as I might have expected. (Or did in my first review) They have been guilty of such low hanging fruit (No pun intended.. Okay, I will stop) in the past. Though with all the broadway reviews and waxed chests, they are only human.
If there is any negative, it that is such an easy riff you almost don’t need them. But they are great to have along for the ride. Sometimes the hardest challenge is the easy layup. And if 1990: The Bronx Warriors is anything, it is one of the easiest riffing layups out there.