7 Guardians of the Tomb (2018) Review 

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7 Guardians of the Tomb (2018) 7 Guardians out of 10: Biotech company headed by Kelsey Grammer searches for the secret of eternal life in an emperor’s tomb in China. But awaiting him and his intrepid explorers are CGI spiders.

The Good

The Good: I genuinely enjoy Kelsey Grammer. Now one reason is because I kind of look like him. (Same oversized head). But another reason is he is usually pretty fun to watch. He is great in 7 Guardians of the Tomb, taking his character to places one would not necessarily expect going in. He is easily the non-spider highlight of the movie.

7 Guardians of the Tomb very much resembles a dark ride at a theme park. This really works in the movies favor. Picture Raiders of the Lost Ark, but the entire film takes place in the booby-trapped Peruvian temple.

Now this may seem restrictive, but the focus on the one location allows Guardians to tell a simpler story within budget and other constraints. This allows it to focus on character interactions mixed with the occasional jump scare. It also allows the movie to keep both the characters and story moving forward from one booby trapped and spider filled room to the next.

The Bad

The Bad: The CGI isn’t Asylum bad… But it is not really that good. Could have used some practical effects to mix it up a bit. (Some real spiders would have done wonders.) If you are not naturally freaked out by spiders, honestly, the film is not all that scary. Arachnophobes, however, are in for a treat. (Or not depending on your point of view)

There is a flashback plot with the brother and sister team that simply does not pay off, considering the amount of time spent on it. I don’t know why, but I have had bad luck with background plots in movies recently. Sometimes you really don’t need a motivation for character’s actions. They are siblings should be enough of an explanation as to why she is rescuing him and why they are not shagging afterwards. We don’t really need a washed out flashback with a hedge maze and a compass.

The Ugly

The Ugly: Comic relief in an action or horror film can be a tough job. Sometimes it can be so aggressively bad (Morris Chestnut in Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Red Orchid) that it ends up being my main takeaway from the movie.

Australian Shane Jacobson is not that memorable in 7 Guardians of the Tomb. But every comic relief line he says lands like a thud to the point other characters are telling him to shut up and presumably looking for ways to accidentally send him into a lava fountain or spider pit. Jacobson’s performance is a deadly combination of unfunny material poorly delivered.

In Conclusion

In Conclusion: 7 Guardians of the Tomb does what it says on the tin. The Movie is a Chinese/ Australian co-production so you get always Chinese co-production stalwarts such as the very pleasant Li Bingbing and well known Australian stars such as…. Kelsey Grammer? Well, there is a cute redhead Stef Dawson who was in the Hunger Games series. A couple of soap actors, that comic relief I complained about…

Well, one thing the Australians managed was to keep the Chinese propaganda at bay. 7 Guardians of the Tomb paints China as a dangerous place with extreme weather, extreme poverty and deadly spiders. A stark difference from the not-so-subtle propaganda featured in many Chinese co-productions.

A fun date movie as long as your date is not Ellen Rose from Outside Extra. Arachnophobes, you have been warned.

Li Bingbing joins Bushwood Country Club
You all know by now how much I like my in universe science screens. So Bing is following the ping.
A Crocodile Hunter movie has suddenly broken out. Well, this is an Australian co-production.
Shane Jacobson is pondering whether he should request they use Australia’s John Goodman or Australia’s Richard Karn on the DVD box art.
The film pretends this is China (Near the Gobi Desert) but it is Australia.
Stef Dawson is a cutie in this film.
Alas, she runs into some minor issues during the trip.
This is why most modern churches handle venomous snakes instead.
The movie does a nice job adding things such as this sandstorm to ramp up the tension and keep the characters moving forward.
It is important to pick a proper background picture for your work laptop. I like the screaming skull on the bottom.
Firey pits of hell? Sure, why not. Half expecting to see a Balrog show up.
Hi there. I will be your killer monster this afternoon.
This is Scout Alpha. We have the star and support actors in our sights.
The title screen for 7 Guardians of the Tomb is quite nice, with good artwork showing animated ancient Chinese junks. This ancient relic, on the other hand, looks like it could be hanging on the wall of my local takeout next to an out-of-focus picture of egg drop soup.
And now we have artwork from the local nursery. In my heart I know this is probably realistic for the kind of cave drawings one would find in an ancient tomb. Still…
Uh oh, Kelsey has found the bar.
That hole is wrong in so many different ways. It looks like the porn entrance at the back of a local video store for Hobbits.
Li Bingbing Has apparently changed to Li Bada Bing by removing some clothing.
I haven’t said much about Kellan Lutz’s performance as a hunky guy with a tragic backstory. A combination of kindness and indifference.
Lots of little spiders are a lot scarier than one giant spider.
And a one and a two…
Aww they are making snow angels…. Okay spider angels… Well, somebody is becoming an angel fairly soon.
Getting some real Land of the Lost Vibes here. Not the movie remake, mind you, but the original David Gerrold and Sid and Marty Krofft 1974 TV series. 7 Guardians of the Tomb had been cruising along with passable special effects, and someone decided to let Timmy play the last snap from the bench.

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