Blade: Trinity (2004) Review

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All right Marvel no more movies I mean it. (This quote made a lot more sense in 2004)

Blade: Trinity (2004): 1 out of 10: Press reports at the time of Blade: Trinity’s release claimed that star Wesley Snipes went off the deep end and tried to kill the director David S. Goyer. Lord knows he could have gotten away with it. Show the jury this movie and let the acquittals fly.

After two better than we deserved films, the third Blade is a mess. The casting director is insane. The good guys comprise Snipes, Gabby Hayes (Kris Kristofferson), Elektra (Jessica Biel), Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), a mentally disabled guy, a blind woman, and Newt from Aliens.

The good guys have a “club” called the Nightstalkers. (What no Darren McGavin). Biel fights with an overtly plugged iPod playing horrible techno. (I would think being able to hear would be necessary for hand-to-hand combat) Reynolds’s character spouts off endless one-liners (most of them remarkably lame) and is saddled with the name Hannibal King. (Also surprisingly lame) and fights with a light saber bow. (Please see above).

Speaking of lame, we have the bad guys. We have wrestler Triple H (who cannot act), Parker Posey (who cannot talk with the fangs in her mouth) and best of all Dracula (Who calls himself Drake. Thinks he is in a Highlander movie. He is also a pacifist piece of Eurotrash that looks like he fell off a Harlequin romance book cover. And is easily the least convincing screen Dracula I have ever seen (I’m including both George Hamilton and Mel Brooks in this equation)).

The script is awful (even if you remove Reynolds’s one-liners); they edited the film in a Cuisinart, the blind girl did the continuity, and the plot comprises bad guys finding good guys headquarters, then good guys finding bad guys headquarters.

If you’re still not convinced a contribution to Mr. Snipes’s potential legal defense fund is in order, let me remind you. Parker Posey is the head vampire and has a climactic battle with Van Wilder. You can make the check out to cash.

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[…] Still more convincing than Parker Posey in Blade Trinity. […]