Embrace of the Vampire (1995) Review

Best Netflix and Chill movie ever.

Embrace of the Vampire (1995): 10 out of 10: Vampire seeks young virgin whose soul is the rebirth of his long lost love and whom he must seduce before her eighteenth birthday.

Let’s talk about porn. In a relationship, eventually it is time to Netflix and chill. Not on the first date. One doesn’t want to come across as Travis Bickle. (Even non-porn first date movies can be tricky. I am looking your way The Hotel New Hampshire, and The Piano). At some point, it is time to relax with some adult entertainment.

This is a trap, to be sure (particularly if your porn includes traps). Your partner will judge you by the porn you choose and the “is that what you like?” invariably comes up. An awkward conversation when Pornhub has Midget Stepsister IV saved to your favorites.

The other problem with modern porn is so much of it looks like a medical film. I mean I appreciate the diligent camera work, but I really need not see that in 4k or 3d. If I wanted an anatomy lesson, I would have gotten an educational documentary.

The porn industry kind of knows this, so they have recently come up with porn for women or porn for couples. An improvement but still awful and unnecessary, as we have the glorious soft core porn films of the late eighties and early nineties.

And among all those Cinemax favorites and Red Shoe Diaries, there is Embrace of the Vampire. Through twenty-five years of research, I have concluded that Embrace of the Vampire is the best Netflix and chill film ever made.

It has a recognizable cast including Jennifer Tilly, Charlotte Lewis, Jordan Ladd, and Alyssa Milano. Women seem to love Alyssa Milano. She is young, sweet and doesn’t look fourteen. (Cough Misty Mundae cough). In the movie she likes men, she likes women; she loves pillows, and she likes vampires. It is as if, like in early season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, if Angel and Buffy had soft-core sex scenes and Buffy also hooked up with Willow on occasion. In fact, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is so much like Embrace of the Vampire I am convinced that Joss Whedon watched this film before penning his masterpiece.

Look, I know that the movie has, um… faults. But as a Netflix and chill movie, it has just enough plot to not seem like a porn film and just enough porn not to lose the plot at home. The movie is like catnip for your partner. I highly recommended it.