TekWar, TekWar never changes.
TekWar (1989) by William Shatner, Ron Goulart: 5 out of 10: TekWar is what happens when you let Captain Kirk play in the cyberpunk sandbox with a fistful of pulp and a dash of futuristic paranoia. Penned under William Shatner’s name, with the heavy lifting done by veteran writer Ron Goulart, TekWar is a heady cocktail of noir-inflected crime fiction, neon-drenched digital dystopia, and a kitschy Disney version of Mexico of all things.
Set in a future where virtual reality narcotics have replaced the old-fashioned kind, the story is more Blade Runner by way of Raymond Chandler (If Chandler had a brain injury and was writing in the recovery room) than anything Star Trek related, though a few phasers do sneak through.
We meet Jake Cardigan, an ex-cop recently thawed from a cryogenic prison sentence he insists was a frame job. Jake is pulled into the orbit of a powerful private detective agency. His new gig? Investigate a crash site where a scientist and his very hot daughter were last seen. (It is realistically an insurance fraud investigation, though the book itself seems to forget this.)
The scientist had apparently found a way to stop Tek. An illegal digital drug that gives users hyper-realistic hallucinations and inevitably ruins lives, reputations, and the occasional operating system. Cardigan naturally has a personal stake in all this. Apparently, his wife ran off with a billionaire and may have set him up.
The plot motors along for a while, but alas, most of the antagonists remain firmly just talked about and never actually seen. Along the way, there are action sequences, narrow escapes, and the kind of exposition dumps that scream “pilot episode,” which, let’s face it, this book kind of was.
There’s an undeniable charm to TekWar, even if it leans hard on genre tropes and its characters occasionally speak like they’ve memorized a tech manual on injection plastics.
This is a world where the future is dangerous, the heroes are damaged, and the villains are often more stylish than smart. It’s not subtle, and it’s not Shakespeare (or even Chandler) despite what Shatner might tell you, but it is fast, fun, and oddly prescient about our future obsessions with digital escapism.
The Good
The Good: There is a lot to like in TekWar. The first half of the book moves at a good pace and has a lot of fun ideas. TekWar really nails the future, from the robot vacuum cleaners, to Alexa, to the giant forests to help fight global warming. We have a very flawed protagonist and a mission to hook up with an ex-lover in Mexico and find out what happened to the previous agents sent.
The ex-lover Warbride is a special treat who deserves her own book. Warbride is a great character. I love the way she made up her entire backstory. {She claims her family was killed, and she was raped by five soldiers. (Originally it was three, she explains, but five sounded better.) As a result, she has been married to vengeance…to war. Complete fabrication, all of it.}
Having Warbride as his ex-lover also seems to do wonders in making our protagonist cooler and more likable than he would have otherwise been. Until that point in the book, he had managed to get fooled by children and goon over an android, so he needed the assist.
TekWar is pulp, but it is pulp that moves and entertains… at least in the first half.
The Bad
The Bad: Unfortunately, TekWar suffers from diminishing returns. There are a lot of scenes of characters sitting around talking about other characters that they have yet to meet. A lot of scenes. Jake was supposed to go down to Mexico to investigate a crash site, and honestly, I can’t recall if he ever even showed up there.
One issue I am having is I keep thinking that I have accidentally skipped a paragraph or even a chapter while reading. Like I am reading a work that is redacted.
I keep thinking there should be a transition here or some set dressing or something. I will read a sentence and suddenly we are in a different time, talking to a different person, in a different location? It is disorienting, to say the least.
The Ugly
The Ugly: Picture the last scene of Casablanca. The interaction between Rick and Ilsa. Now picture that scene with all the same words and emotions, but the airport is the first time they had met because Rick actually went to Paris with her twin sister. Yeah, that is about the ending here.
I didn’t realise my version on the Kindle was almost done, and the last twenty percent were three chapters of the next book and a rather lengthy William Shatner biography. In all fairness to TekWar, Rick’s partner (The one whose wavy hair is the best character in the book per the 372 Pages guys.) points out this exact problem to Jake but a quick hand wave (I dreamed about her in the freezer), some unnecessary descriptions and a short stroll later we are at Beth’s house. They exchange all of three sentences like “I have heard of you” and the book ends.
I think my theory, our Shatner ghostwriter ran out of space to wrap up the story may very well be accurate. A very rushed ending and an anticlimactic one to boot. Tons of threads hanging, and I am still unsure what this was all about (insurance fraud?) What about War-bride and the ex-wife and who is dead exactly? Nope, just an unconvincing description of a suburb under the moon’s surface and some pleasantries you might exchange with the new guy in the office.
In Conclusion
In Conclusion: Action, mechanical bulls, Android children, a very gullible protagonist, Deus ex machina machine. It is silly, pulpy, not terribly well written… but it is fun. Silly fun, but fun. If it had an ending, I might even recommend. But TekWar falls hard before the home stretch and never makes the finish line.
As Michael J. Nelson wonders in the 372 pages podcast, why didn’t Shatner attach his name to a better book or at least hire a better ghostwriter? I mean Ron Goulart’s ending to TekWar makes Stephen King look like Ian McEwan. I have a hard time imagining a publisher reading that last chapter and thinking “yeah this works.”
372 Pages review and Random Notes from reading
Well, I had sworn off reading books along with the boys at 372 pages. I mean, The Eye of Argon was really rough. And the book following TekWar is some self-published accounting thriller that is ten bucks on Kindle that I am going to take a pass on as well.
But TekWar seemed more up my alley. A William Shatner novel (ghostwritten by Ron Goulart) from 1989 seems almost in my wheelhouse. And despite the boys picking on it, I am three chapters in and … it really is not that bad. Certainly not the worst thing I have read this year (not even close) but as they say, it is early going yet.
So far, however, so good. Nice setup for a story and decent descriptions and world building. I am enjoying reading it. Which is more than I can say for other recent books (see Eye of Argon above)
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You know I am really enjoying this story so far. TekWar really nails the future, from the robot vacuum cleaners to Alexa to the giant forests to help fight global warming. We have a very flawed protagonist and a mission to hook up with an ex-lover in Mexico and find out what happened to the previous agents sent.
Not to mention, Mexico is where his ex-wife and son fled. Our guy is addicted to Tek, and is using the standard one more time will prove I am over my addiction thinking.
I like the future here better than both previous 372 pages novels (Ready Player One) and so-called good novels I recently read (The Great Transition). Looking forward to seeing where this story goes. So far, an easy breezy and dare I say entertaining read. Still early innings, we shall see if it sticks the landing.
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Whoa, whoa, slow down there, book…. First, some fantastic ideas. I love the idea of kamikaze androids. These are androids programmed to take out a specific human target that look human themselves and approach the target as a fan or homeless person or just bystander on the street before exploding. It is an excellent idea and worthy of a thriller on its own.
Alas, the Tek chip/drug angle is losing me a smidge. Apparently, the scientist that our hero will search for has figured a way to neutralize the Tek which is a threat to the drug cartels.
The issue is we have three or four scenes in quick succession where one (read me) could become disoriented and have no idea where we are and who we are talking to. Slow down, take a breath and try an establishing shot or two (or whatever the pulp novel equivalent is). Still a breezy read, but the winds are blowing a touch strong in some chapters. Interesting to see what the 372 pages take will be on these rapid-fire scene changes.
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372 Pages. Well, the boys are all about sentence structure in the first half of this podcast. And honestly, they make some good points. There are a lot of awkward sentences in these chapters, in one case, changing POV and tense three times each in one sentence.
Other than that, a pleasant talk about various subjects.
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Well, I was better able to follow the action on this read. Perhaps I was having an off night before (or perhaps I really did accidentally skip a page or two on my Kindle)
We are still not in Mexico, so we are in full set-up phase, 35 percent of the way in, but I can feel the plane taxing as we speak.
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Yay, we are in Mexico. Great world building so far, alas, I have not read enough to move the plot forward all that much. But green shoots abound.
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Okay, so we are still in Mexico having discussions with other people and building up this ex-girlfriend. TekWar may be writing checks it cannot cash with the ex-lover guerilla warrior. We shall see.
One issue I am having is I keep thinking that I have accidentally skipped a paragraph or even a chapter while reading. Like I am reading a work that is somehow redacted.
I keep thinking there should be a transition here or some set dressing or something. I will be reading a sentence and suddenly where are in a different time, talking to a different person, in a different location? It is disorienting, to say the least.
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We have got action, humor even, and even a little bit of romance. I like the android daughter. Yes, I think that the actual father building such an android is creepy as hell. And yes, her “special abilities” have plot contrivance after plot contrivance written all over them.
Speaking of plot contrivances, why exactly is the android version of the daughter with all her memories willing or wanting to team up with Jake???? I guess he must be that charming. There is nothing on the page that explains it. Alas, I am having too much fun now that the ball is rolling to care, but it will be interesting to hear what the boys at 372 pages have to say about it if I can get off my lazy ass and go walkies again. (It has been chilly lately)
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Action, Mechanical Bulls, Android children, Very gullible protagonist, Deus ex machina machine. It is silly, pulpy, not terribly well written… but it is fun. Silly fun but fun…
Anyway, Warbrides lover is jealous of Jake and put a hit out on him and our sexy female K-2SO who is an exact replica (down to genitalia) of the designer’s daughter once again saves the day out of nowhere with tools not previously mentioned.
I will tire of this eventually if it does not change, but right now I am only giving out yellow cards and enjoying myself.
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372 Pages is done with the episode parsing sentences. In all fairness plot wise, not much happened during the time that they covered. As I have read ahead, I certainly know that is going to change (mechanical killer bulls and sexy robot daughters) so I am looking forward to my next listen.
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Well, we met Warbride, and you know what. This book is actually pretty good. Warbride is a great character. I love the way she made up her entire backstory. (She claims her family was killed, and she was raped by five soldiers. As a result, she has been married to vengeance…to war)
There is a fantastic quote as well. ‘Tyranny has an uplifting and ennobling effect. It turns thieves and ne’er-do-wells into patriots in the service of a worthy cause.” Boy, does that quote not ring true here in late January 2025.
Overall, a fantastic set of chapters, both exciting to read on their own and moving the plot without endless exposition. Well-written to boot. Looking forward to reading more tonight.
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Couple of action packed plot moving chapters here in Acapulco, but alas we have run into a quandary.
Our protagonist, Jake, is more than a little dim. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind box of rocks stupid protagonists. I often praise such characterizations in books such as “A Game of Thrones”.
But Jake is dim and gullible in these chapters. One scene in particular where we have the heroic sacrifice of the sexy android that loved him when he sees his “son” who might as well be wearing a shirt that says I am a kamikaze robot as me how?
His misplaced trust in his ex-wife, who clearly is (and has been) the bad guy’s lover and set him up to go to jail in the first place, is more than just a slight blind spot.
I do like the possible plot development of Jake having these feeling for the scientist’s daughter based on the relation he had with her cyborg doppelgänger, which of course she is not privy to. If the book plays its cards right, that could create some fun and awkward dialogue.
Other than a “needs to be that dumb to move the plot forward” characterization, there is some good action and world building here. Alas, we never got a sex scene between the daughter cyborg and Jake, so we do not know if the father made his cyborg daughter fully… well, you know.
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So I am catching up on the 372 pages version. It is slow going as my walking has been reduced because of a recent knee injury. Also, Spotify does not carry these chapters, so I have to listen to it on the 372 Pages blog, which has issues keeping your place in the episode. (The episodes are almost two hours long.)
Well, of the four chapters they picked, they note nothing actually happens. Just Jake talking to various people, all speculating regarding the crash and disappearance.
Still, they are more than able to make hay. Particularly on how a hologram house would actually work.
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The scales have come off my eyes. I know I have been picking on Conner and Mike from 372 Pages for nitpicking TekWar and even wondering if this book really belongs. Well, I have moved my camp firmly into the 372 space.
We are about 85 percent done. I am well ahead of my 372 pages listen (A knee injury has taken out some of my walking and listening to podcasts time). Still, Mike and Conner sound more accurate by the day.
These last few chapters involving a military/ police attack on a pleasure dome in Acapulco, where the main bad guy lives and Jake was visiting looking for the professor and the daughter, does not lack in action.
What it lacks in is the ability to really tell what the hell is going on. I am getting the big strokes but the writing is so convoluted and the author never really takes a breath to set up a scene before just throwing things around as if he was told the book can only be so long and know he has to fit ten pounds of action and plot in a five-pound bag.
The biggest problem is Jake’s pursuit of the daughter, since he fell in love with her robot avatar. The problem, which is obvious to anyone rubbing two brain cells together, is that the daughter would be completely unaware of the relationship Jake had with her robot twin.
At best, she would find it a touch creepy. I mean, that is the best-case scenario. I am racking my brain about how to write oneself out of this conundrum. The only thing I can think of is the daughter is another robot that shares a neural link with her android twin. Jake has to realise the daughter will view him at best with suspicion and likely with hostility. Right? Right? Of course, Jake isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box. He still is unsure that his now ex-wife set him up so she could run off with her lover when she is practically wearing a t-shirt saying so.
Anyway, the daughter is hiding out on the moon, so Jake gets a ride there “through connections” and we will hopefully conclude this romance between a wizened and not to bright detective and a toaster.
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Picture the last scene of Casablanca. The interaction between Rick and Ilsa. Now picture that scene with all the same words and emotions, but the airport is the first time they had met because Rick actually went to Paris with her twin sister. Yeah, that is about the ending here.
I didn’t realize my version on the Kindle was almost done and the last twenty percent were three chapters of the next book and a rather lengthy William Shatner biography. In all fairness to TekWar, Rick’s partner (The one whose wavy hair is the best character in the book per the 372 Pages guys.) points out this exact problem to Jake but a quick hand wave (I dreamed about her in the freezer), some unnecessary descriptions and a short stroll later we are at Beth’s house. They exchange all of three sentences like “I have heard of you” and the book ends.
WTF?
I think my theory, our Shatner ghostwriter ran out of space to wrap up the story may very well be accurate. A very rushed ending and an anticlimactic one to boot. Tons of threads hanging and I am still unsure what this was all about (Insurance fraud, What about War-bride and the latest ex-wife and who is dead exactly?) Nope just an unconvincing description of a suburb under the moons surface and some pleasantries you might exchange with the new guy in the office.
Well, I am not rushing to continue the series at this point. I do still want to finish the 372 pages podcasts before doing the write-up, however. So, depending on my IR status, I should get this puppy launched this month.
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Well, I am working through the rest of the 372 Pages. (Episode 25 1:10PM) Still on some IR, so only one lap today. Really entertaining stuff from Mike and Connor. A superb fan fiction and a great talk about how the chapters are just Jake talking with other people about other people neither Jake nor that person have met.
In addition, some hilarious color, much of it coming from missing robot Winger, who was so heavily featured in the initial chapter. Mike speculates he was turned into a table at the Student/Faculty drinking lounge. Some talk about using words like landcab (Why????) as well as lines like “I am glad I did not molest you”
We have just entered Tijuana, so no doubt TekWar will treat the Mexican culture with all the delicacy and nuance as it has other cultures so far.
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Well, I finished up episode 25 in 372 pages. Still on a bit of IR because of the knee, so only one lap today. Could not make hide nor hair of my new health insurance. It is a bottom of the barrel outfit since my company is looking to lay a bunch of us off, so it is not throwing good money after bad.
Anyway, most of the talk was about Jake’s trip to Mexico and his endless conversations with people about, well, other people. Plenty of rich Mexican culture thrown in, and by rich culture, I mean somewhere between Emilia Pérez and Fort Apache the Bronx.
Ay caramba indeed. Ham-fisted writing mixed with over-broad stereotypes and all the action of a mandatory Microsoft Teams 10 am Monday meetup. Sign me up.
Some good emails and sentences of the week. Mike hints at his addiction to Hallmark movies, which will come into play in later episodes with too much delight. As for this episode, I will attempt a run (well, limping walk) at episode 36, which, since I read ahead, has more action. The action is not good, mind you, and I am curious to hear the boys’ reaction to naked android Beth Kidridge and the mechanical bull fights. Till then.
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Episode 26 (27:36) I am doing the timestamps because Spotify does not have this episode and the 372 pages website does not reliably save your place. Damn cookie failure.
So, we are in the fun part of the book. Though after endless meetings in fern bars, that is a low… well bar. The episode starts off with a quiz where Mike ambushes Conor with a list of 21 vehicle-related terms and asks him if they appear in the book (so far). I thought the gag was going to be all the terms appeared in the book, but it turns out Mike made up half of them. Conor does horribly on the quiz, which honestly is not surprising for what I suspect is an English major.
But soon we are where we want to be with the discovery of Beth Kitridge’s naked body/ android double, whatever. The boys do not disappoint at all. (Though earlier when Jake changed the flying car engine mid-flight, I was very confused why his flying car did not plummet. I was surprised they did not ask that themselves.)
Anyway, back to the naked lady. Conor tells a story about how in real life Jessica Alba is hot. (Told to him by a friend) and describes the most boring party game ever that I think was a joke played on him by his “friends” (You’re in a cabin and have to guess how long five minutes is.)
I don’t know why I am picking on Conor here. He is fine so far in this episode. For a flaming youth, he is the bee’s knees. Sorry, I fell in the Ron Goulart trap of using outdated slang at random.
I notice it a little when I was reading but Mike and Conor do a real good job how often Goulart does this and how ridiculous some of the circumstances are such as android Beth Kitradge suddenly talking like a 49er (the prospecting kind not the football player)
Anyway, I am barely into the episode and already it is one of my favorites. Good banter, funny material and the book being ridiculous certainly helps here.
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Episode 26 (57:36) Okay, a thirty-minute stroll (one lap). We had some talk about sweatiness regarding the sexy android lady (the fact she can pretend to eat was of particular note. Yes, gentleman callers, she swallows.)
There was a pretty solid fanfic or real that Mike scored a 100 percent on. We discussed Beth Kidradges’ strange accent and word use. (Unsure if she is still an old prospector or a character in a 30s English drawing room comedy. Conor stated they were currently working on the RiffTrax of Solo and was dismayed that Solo used the same going to be the tail gunner trope as this book.
Even more dismay, as there are now two separate characters in TekWar with the name Ogden. You may recall one of the major characters in Ready Player One was named Ogden. And now TekWar has two of them. Mike states the only famous Ogden was poet Ogden Nash, but Wikipedia has a pretty sizable list, though most are using Ogden as a surname rather than a given name.
Well, we are at breakfast in a Mexican diner about to meet Ogden who as a character is fairly inconsequential. Prepare for more talk about Sonny and Jake’s ex-wife’s current whereabouts.
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Well, I got a new lawnmower and gave them a listen while mowing the lawn. Alas, the new mower is a touch louder than the previous one, so they were harder to hear. We are still listening om the 372 Pages app, so we are on Episode 27, around 20 minutes in. Thier online app is pretty awful though. Especially if you want to rewind to hear a Conor bon mot or a Mike riposte.
They are at the scene where the “robot” girl lures Jakle into the Bull arena that he was going to, anyway. There are some fun stories my favorite being a RiffTrax story about a movie Conor wanted to do called Piranha, Piranha. That for two hours had absolutely no piranhas. Conor lost the vote.
Mike and Conor point out for a book about Tek and Tek dealers. We seem a little light on both. We certainly have had conversations about them in various fern bars, but so far all have basically been AWOL.
BTW the joke I was rewinding to was Conor congratulating someone with the surname Burger with a heartly “Burger well done.”
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Well, we get a lot of talk on 372 pages regarding Gordo (sic?) I want to say the fat guy who set Jake up on behalf of Warbride’s suitor, who was jealous of Jake for no real apparent reason.
We go into great detail about how Jake was set up to go to a place he was going anyway, complete with foul-mouthed prepubescent robot girl and various local color of post-apocalyptic rundown Mexico.
The boys seem fascinated by Gordo and the multiple ways he is described. I picture that clown dancer from Scarface (Roberto ‘Tito’ Arias) who is eventually shot in the club.
I was disappointed with the relatively brief coverage of the four mechanical bulls in an empty room scenario, which I delighted in with reading. I realize that there are only eighty pages left. It did not occur to me (since I read ahead) that we still have not met Warbride yet. I could have sworn I had already heard their take on that. But it has been an age or two since I listened to the boys because of various knee issues.
Speaking of issues, I managed to lose my earpiece in the grass while mowing the lawn (and listening to this) and as of this writing have not found it. So off to Amazon to buy a replacement. I need to spend another 35 bucks right now, like I need another hole in my head. (It never fails; when I spend stupid money on a toy for myself, I immediately have other bills and expenses crawl out of the woodwork. ) Once the neighbors go indoors, I will do another search.
Oh Episode 27, either 54 minutes or an hour and six minutes in. Thank God the next chapter is back on Spotify instead of the 372 pages player that does not keep your spot. While the knee was the main reason, using the 372 Pages app is certainly another reason, it has taken me so long to finish this listen.
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Okay, we are off the app and back on Spotify with 372 Pages. Lord knows I am taking my time with this one. A lawn-mowing session in the early AM allowed me to get a chunk done. The fun takeaway is that Mike and Conor are getting a lot of mileage from the book’s habit of talking about things but not showing/meeting them.
They point out the crash site Jake is supposed to be investigating, which was his purpose to go down to Mexico about a hundred chapters ago, still has not been visited and is practically a character in and of itself.
Other highlights include Mike’s continued confusion on how a hologram house works and why anyone would have one. Conor notes during the reader’s email section that the author(s) are constantly describing what things are made of. With Plex and Chrome being the obvious stars and standouts, but then the book says silvery metal instead of chrome, and the boys have to speculate what clearly non-chrome silvery metal the author(s) are referring to?
Add in the word Lucite being dropped in to describe a rocking chair and the mask completely comes off. If Lucite is a thing in this universe, why have we been using the word Plex for two hundred pages?
The final thought is that the book has a few chapters left, and yet Jake has not met most of the characters nor done anything resembling his mission. How are they going to pull this off? (Spoiler alert they do not).
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My biggest takeaway from today’s listen, which was a good chunk in the middle of the penultimate episode of TekWars was for a book called TekWars, there does not seem to be a lot of Tek nor wars….
The boys point out that even the cliché scene (as seen in Ready Player One) of our hero walking through the desolate side of town seeing all the addicts is nowhere to be found. Our hero Jake does some Tek when he gets out of the Moon Freezer, and then it is never brought up again. All these characters we have never met and spend endless pages talking about don’t seem to be in a hurry to push Tek or have any wars over the Tek market.
It is one of those things that, once pointed out, is impossible not to unsee.
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It is the last episode, and things are happening in the TekWar. We are meeting characters who were only talked about for the last 34 chapters. We find out the guy Jake’s wife has been sleeping with is more a Mr. Burns-looking billionaire than, say, a Lifetime movie billionaire. (How Conor missed that Simpson’s reference is the genuine mystery)
I love the fact that Sonny Hikori (sic) is killed a few minutes after making his debut appearance. Mike observes it is like Scatman Crothers in The Shining. Shows up after all that effort just to die right away.
I felt that in the last few episodes; the boys were working with what the book gave them, and some things felt a little forced. Not so this time. The book has opened its legs wide and is allowing all the fruits of its garden to be available, and the boys are taking advantage of this bounty. (It is a heat index of 110 when I listened to them on my walk this morning, so my mind still may not be “right”)
The boys are having a blast with these last few chapters, and the joy is infectious. I am glad I stuck with them on this book. They are having a very good time, and so am I.
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Well, I finished the last episode, and yes, the boys were as puzzled and disappointed by the ending as I was. They seemed less surprised than I was, however.
They have some good call-outs. Jake’s wavy-haired partner (Gomez?) is written completely differently in these later chapters than he was in the beginning of the book, as if the author forgot which character he was. The chrome robot from the first chapter, who opens the book, makes a very brief appearance, and yet Shatner and his ghostwriter Ron Goulart manage to use the words shiny and chrome an amazing amount of times in three brief paragraphs.
An email from a reader who researched Ron Goulart figured out he has an addition to characters named Odgen. A factoid made even funnier by the Ready Player One connection.
Conor points out that a blue-colored raisin in oatmeal gag was lifted by a previous entrant in the fanfic or real contest, which is the 372 pages equivalent of doping, and I hope he is banned from future contests. He also points out that the gag seems lifted from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Both he and Mike also point out that the gag, which does not move the plot an inch, takes up three of the last ten pages of the book.
Lastly, Mike wonders since this was a cynical cash grab by Shatner why he just did not pick a better writer or a better book. And also really wonders what the publisher must have been thinking, especially with that ending.
Great listen; the boys really hit this last episode out of the park working with solid material and a pleasant reminder of why I listen to them in the first place. The next two books they have scheduled, however, will put that love to the test.