The Eye of Argon (1970) by Jim Theis Review With 372 pages in notes

The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!

The Eye of Argon (1970) by Jim Theis: 1 out of 10: Oh God, how to explain this novella… where to begin… What was the plot… You know I am going to do something different. As you can see from the notes that follow my review, I read the Eye of Argon in its entirety.

It was painful and despite being a short novella with almost nothing of a story; it took a remarkably long length of time. So I am going to do something I have never done before. Let’s just copy the Wikipedia explanation of the story… Well, it turns out Wikipedia has a bare bones by chapter breakdown. Apparently the collective internet is having issues. Let’s try Chat GPT…

Okay, so Chat GPT 3.5 actually just broke/stalled when asked to describe the plot of The Eye or Argon. But with a little finesse Chat GPT 4.0 managed something that I am posting below. As I note afterwards, the Chat GPT 4.0 version is inaccurate and missing all the good wench bits.

Rest assured, regular readers, my opinions are my own and I consume the media I review. But sometimes dramatic, even borderline improper methods are called for. Describing the plot of The Eye of Argon is one of those times.

Introduction (Chat GPT 4.0 version)

“The Eye of Argon,” penned by Jim Theis in 1970, has gained notoriety in the realms of speculative fiction, particularly within the science fiction and fantasy communities. Often cited as one of the worst pieces of published genre fiction, its notoriety comes not only from its convoluted plot and melodramatic prose, but also from its multitude of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Despite, or perhaps because of, its numerous flaws, the novella has achieved a cult status, often read aloud at conventions and gatherings with the challenge of maintaining a straight face. This review delves into the plot, examining its structure and characters, and explores the elements that have made “The Eye of Argon” a fascinating case study in the world of literature.

Plot Synopsis (Chat GPT 4.0 Version)

“The Eye of Argon” follows the journey of Grignr, a barbarian warrior, through the treacherous landscape of the Noregolian Empire. The tale opens with Grignr being ambushed by a group of soldiers, leading to a bloody battle that showcases his brutal strength and combat prowess. Victorious, he proceeds to the city of Gorzom, where he seeks rest and perhaps adventure.

In Gorzom, Grignr encounters a local tavern, filled with the typical denizens of a fantasy setting: drunken soldiers, wary locals, and nefarious plotters. It is here that Grignr’s path crosses with that of a voluptuous dancer, leading to a confrontation with the city’s ruler. Arrested and imprisoned, Grignr must rely on his cunning and strength to escape.

During his escape, Grignr discovers a sinister cult worshipping a mysterious jewel known as “The Eye of Argon.” The jewel is said to possess great power, and the cult’s rituals involve human sacrifice and dark magic. Determined to thwart their plans and claim the jewel, Grignr battles his way through the cultists, ultimately facing off against a formidable high priest.

The climax of the story sees Grignr emerging victorious, the Eye of Argon in his possession. However, the novella concludes abruptly, leaving many plot threads unresolved and questions unanswered, a hallmark of its unfinished and unpolished nature.

“The Eye of Argon” is infamous for its disjointed narrative and over-the-top descriptions, but it remains a curious piece of fantasy history, emblematic of the passionate but often rough-edged creations of amateur writers.

Okay, back to Cinematic Diversions review of The Eye of Argon already in progress.

Before I start, as I noted above, the Chat GPT version of the plot also got some things wrong. It is missing the newly discovered attack of the blob with many eyes ending. At no point did Grignar have any plans or thoughts. His last fight was against either a prince or a king, not a cultist who were against the king since thier god was spelled slightly differently than the King’/Princes god. (Splitters). And it leaves out the touching reunification of Grignar and his wench on the sacrificial altar. Which is basically half the book.

The Good

The Good: I liked the wench. I mean, she would probably be better written had author Jim Theis met a woman before. But she seemed kind of fun and up for anything. She is certainly the only character that did not fill me with disgust and dread.

The Bad

The Bad: “The pathetic screeches of the shaman groveling in dejected misery upon the hand hewn granite laid pavement, worn smooth by countless hours of arduous sweat and toil, a welter of ichor oozing through his clenched hands, attracted the purturbed attention of his comrades from their foetid ulations. The actions of this this rebellious wench bespoke the creedence of an unheard of sacrilige. Never before in a lost maze of untold eons had a chosen one dared to demonstrate such blasphemy in the face of the cult’s idolic diety.”

It is page after page of this… nothing but this…

The Ugly

The Ugly: The stories I wrote at sixteen were really not all that much better. I wrote one short story and my dad started looking into therapists. You got to keep in mind this is a sixteen-year-old boy in 1970 writing his version of a Conan story. What did we really expect?

I still think the 372 Pages people and the rest of the internet are punching down a bit on this book. I confess I am less sympathetic/charitable to the late Jim Theis after reading it, however.

In Conclusion

In Conclusion: This is unreadable. I would have DNF’d had I not been following along with the 372 Pages podcast. I almost DNF’d, anyway.

Random Notes from reading Plus 372 Pages Podcast

372 Pages: The Eye of Argon (1970) Jim Theis 372 Pages. We start with a couple of 372 pages episodes. Surprisingly full and entertaining episodes. The first episode is an advertisement for The Patreon. But still entertaining.

The second episode is also a pleasant surprise. Milke and Conor introduce the book and give more background. Mike’s description of what Sci-Fi conventions must have been like in the 70s created a wave of nostalgia for me. They also take each others “geek” temperature and we learn Mile is certainly not a gamer (Even myself as a gamer was personally unfamiliar with some of Conor’s references) and the Mike is delighted by the clear error that is Tom Bildabier from the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

Conor is not as well read as one would hope with no Arthur C Clarke under his belt, but he confesses to have once brewed mead which gives him some geek brownie points. Conor also read the “Three-Body Problem”, which is a science fiction trilogy from a Chinese author, so we have a save.

Mike loves the Lord of the Rings books and, as a result, is attacking the songs and landscape descriptions.

Now when I first heard the podcast, I was not reading along. More to the point, since the book is an unedited fantasy novel from a 16-year-old that was hand typed in the late sixties, I really felt the boys were punching down here. I may still think that way, but Mike points out that the author is both now dead and was eventually in on the joke while he was living. So I will take the assignment to read up to or perhaps through chapter four (Apparently there is a chapter 3.5) and we shall see on a walk later this week how this goes.

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Well, the paper copy of the book has a pleasant introduction which is covered pretty well by Mike and Conor above. For decades, many people thought the book was a parody written by an established author. Basically, a hoax. The introduction gives some examples of where this can happen where the actual author is active (He went to conventions locally and took part in readings) but the larger group thinks he is a myth. They use Bettie Page as a great example. She, of course, was a popular pin up and bondage model in the fifties who dropped out of the scene to join the Christian church movement, where she became a full-time employee of one Billy Graham.

When Betty was rediscovered in the seventies, the rumors were wild about where she was now and what happened. All the while, Betty was working for her church, oblivious to her newfound fame. So yes, it certainly can happen in real life, especially in the pre-internet days.

I also liked the details of the various colleges who had these giant collections of Sci-fi zines and were so thankful that they were useful for something when the author called them to see if they had the particular Arkansas Zine he was looking for. One had an unmolested copy that contained the last page of the story that had been missing for forty years. I love the idea of these people donating 40 thousand zines and sci-fi books to a university who is now like okay… I am sure this will be useful someday. No problems, let’s just spend thousands of hours cataloging it for you.

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There is a classic scene from the show Arrested Development where Michael looks in the fridge sees a paper bag inside left by his magician brother Gob labeled “dead dove do not eat” which Micheal takes out of the fridge and opens only to follow up with the line “I don’t know what I expected?”

Well, The Eye of Aragon is badly written Conan fanfic… I mean it was advertised as such and that is what is both on and in the tin.

To the apparently fifteen-year-old writer’s credit, I have read worse. I really have. Yes, there are typos and the cliche just jumps off the screen, but I at no point wanted to poke my eyes out with a hot poker, so it is better than some of the fiction I have read in the last twelve months. And for all the notoriety at least in the first four chapters, I can follow along with what is going on.

Jim Theis has written a pretty classic Conan scenario so far. Written poorly true, but at least is comprehendible. The biggest disappointment a modern reader may feel upon reading “Eye of Aragon” so far is that it is really not that bad. Don’t get me wrong, it is bad, but not shall we say legendarily so?

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Chapters one through 4 is not a lot of territory. Not a lot happens in these chapters. As I noted above. It is only like six thousand words. Mike and Conor somehow spend almost two hours discussing this.

A couple of notes on my first go around with 372 pages I skipped this book partially because I could not easily find a copy, but mostly because it really felt like punching down. Mike and Conor answer this criticism, pointing out that technically this is a piece of work professionally published by the fanzine Osfan. Okay, whatever helps you sleep at night, boys. (Later episodes will deal with some self-published works. But as of right now 372 pages has kept the veneer of respectability.

Much like RiffTrax and movies, the more “professional” the work the sweeter the riffs. This is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel already full of holes.

That criticism aside, I have to give the boy’s credit they went all in. They use voice actors (Okay Kevin and maybe Bill) to recreate many scenes too hilarious effect. A surprisingly funny and accurate fan fiction section. Poor old dumb sentence has little chance with this prose, however, as mostly Mike and Conor try to figure out what word perhaps Jim Theis meant.

Conor clearly spends too much time watching the Simpsons and not enough time reading literature as Mike seems to easily figure out the root of the words. This is using while Conor flops on the floor like an ESL student thrown out of his fifth grade reading level aquarium.

Still, I am impressed by the breadth and sheer entertainment on tap from the podcast. At no point did any of the two hours feel like padding or skippable. Bravo. The next assignment is slightly longer, but is also to finish the book.

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Well, I did a couple pages on the second half and it is both a detailed and incredibly poorly described rape scene. Complete with gang rape ending. If there was any question why this book became infamous, these few pages answered it without question.

As the boys pointed out before and will undoubtedly point out again, this is definitely someone not writing what they know. I would have read more, but this is a tough read and I had a kitten named Puma attacking my hand.

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I may have to DNF this book I am halfway through the second half and it is simply unreadable. (I noted above “Eye of Aragon” so far is that it is really not that bad… I would like to amend that statement.) It is like a child or uneducated adult using big obscure words, trying to sound smart with no idea what any of them actually mean or how to use them in context. It creates a cromulent experience for the reader.

Not that there is any real action outside of a jailbreak and endless adjectives and descriptions that somehow do not clarify what is going on where despite the unreal number used. I am going to tackle the first hour of the second 372 pages podcast to see if I can be motivated to finish this. And considering some of the books I have finished, I do not DNF lightly.

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Well, I listen to the first part of the 372 Pages podcast in the hope it would inspire me to slog through the rest of the book. And results were mixed.

They also could not picture what Jim Theis was writing. One joy of reading, particularly fiction, is your mind’s eye creates worlds for you to inhabit and fills in details left out by the author. I know this seems like reading 101.

The Eye of Argon somehow blocks this process like a magic eye puzzle for someone with monocular vision. No matter how hard you try, a picture does not present itself.

The entire talk so far seems to be one giant worst sentence of the week. And honestly, what else could they do? For all the words Jim misuses and misspells, there seem to be plenty of words he simply made up. For a work written by a sixteen-year-old, the challenge level is ridiculously high.

Still, I am motivated to work my way through the rest of the book and finish up the episode of the podcast.

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Well, the book is very short at least. And if I am to confess I could picture in my mind’s eye some of the activity going on in the story… Well, until the blob showed up in the last chapter, then I was lost again. But barbarian killing priests and carrying a wench is within my pay grade.

He is still making up words left and right… misusing words and unable to write a simple descriptive sentence. This book, despite its brief length, is a surprising amount of work to get through. Well now, I can listen to the second half of the 372 pages podcast tomorrow with a clean conscious as I finished the book. Eyes glazed over and all.

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372 Pages (part 2) The boys are in top form. First, this episode contains the best hidden audio theater bit I have ever heard from 372 pages. No surprise that Mary Jo Pehl is one of the voices.

There are highlights of the incredible focus on the lips of the characters. The boys still are having issues trying to figure out what Jim Theis is even talking about in some passages. (They are not alone.) In fairness, they had better luck than I did during the Beware! The Blob section.

Made up, misspelled, and misapplied words abound. Every sentence is a dumb sentence. They realise by the end of the podcast that the next story they choose should be more mainstream, though they promise to mix it up in the future with the Birdemic of books as Conor points out.

One negative it apparently took an email from a listener to let them know that this is a crude blatant copy of Conan. Really guys, you just are figuring this out now? I mean you have certainly seen the 1982 Conan right? What about all those Deathstalker movies you did? Not a hint of recognition? Did you really think he was going the Tolkien route with his bronzed barbarian and slutty wenches? What version of the Hobbit did you read?