Question not my judgement, Malachai. I am the giver of His word.
Children of the Bride (1990): 4 out of 10: Rue McClanahan, who honestly looks all her 56 years, is getting married to Special Guest Star Patrick Duffy. this is the first sign of problems ahead. This is a movie, not a TV show, and Patrick Duffy should be a co-lead in the movie. Why is he a “Special Guest Star”?
If you answer because he is missing from most of the movie. You win a prize. Even Rue McClanahan is missing from the film for long stretches. The key is in the title. This is a movie about “The Children” of the bride. Not the bride herself and certainly not her nearsighted boy-toy.
So I have already reviewed the two followups to this cinematic masterpiece, Baby of the Bride and Mother of the Bride. A lot of what I say in those reviews fits well in this one.
For example, from my Baby of the Bride review “Rue Looks old in this. That is not a judgement call. She does. Hell, she looked old in Hollywood After Dark (Walk the Angry Beach) and that was from 1968. The woman was born looking forty. Her love scenes with her boy toy husband have an ick factor attached to them. Alas, not as strong an ick factor as the interior decoration of her house.” So I will try to cover new ground here. Which won’t be that difficult as the filmmakers keep changing out a few actors every film.
The Good
The Good: Anne Bobby was the best part of the sequels, so it is not a shock she is the best part here as well. The surprise is that Kristy McNichol is given a decent story arc in this one and she also hits it out of the park. The boys don’t fare as well, but in reality all the adult children actors are fine in this with the material they are given.
The Bad
The Bad: Honestly, some of my complaints about this one are the same as the other movies. Rue really is too old looking to pull this off. I mean Nicole Kidman is currently the same age as Rue is in this movie, and no one would look twice at her and Patrick Duffy except to wonder why she is slumming with a TV star.
Rue’s clothing choices and home decorating do not help matters. (Though the house is less of an interior decorating tragedy than it is in the sequels). The problem is really that since Duffy barely is in the film, we just have to take Rue’s and his word that they are in love and have a relationship. I mean, taking ten minutes to establish their relationship at some point in the first act would have done wonders.
Outside of this, the movie lacks an actual conflict. The premise is the kids will object to their mother marrying a younger man. Somehow this premise missed screenwriter Bart Baker, as the kids are quite supportive of the nuptials.
So what we have is mini-stories about how each kid is a bit of a hot mess. Stories that have nothing to do with the wedding outside of maternal concern from Rue that her nun daughter is knocked up or her son is sleeping with her neighbor’s wife.
So the conflict when Rue decides not to go through with the wedding because of her children is more confusing than anything else. Maybe she is hesitant became she has only known Duffy for four minutes of screen time. But don’t blame the kids. The kids are alright.
The Ugly
The Ugly: I have never quite understood people’s hatred for Yanni. I always just chalked it up to people picking on someone like the way people say they hate Nickelback. Yanni did the soundtrack for Children of the Bride. I now fully understand people’s hatred for Yanni.
In Conclusion
In Conclusion: Children of the Bride is the weakest entry of the three films. It is not all bad. I liked Patrick Duffy and Jack Coleman better than their subsequent replacements. Duffy’s character is chill and cool in this one rather than the crazed unreasonable Ted Shackelford (Script issue not an actor issue BTW). Kristy McNichol’s character is given much better treatment. And the home decoration despite ceramic deer on the lawn is better.
Alas Children of the Bride has no story. Nothing happens. Couple we barely know decides to marry. Everyone is happy for them. The end. Seriously, that is the entire plot. The children that were alcoholics are still alcoholics. The nun that was pregnant is still pregnant. Nothing has changed besides a garden party under a gazebo. (The second film turns the Duffy character into a monster and the third film kills people off and has hookers. These are not better made movies per se. But they are a lot more interesting to watch.)
RiffTrax Review
RiffTrax: Solid outing from Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson. Like my complaint above, there is a lot less to work with than in the sequels. Still the ladies find a lot of gold in them thar hills and the content of the movie makes this a fun family friendly watch. Or a good movie to fall asleep to.
I also loved their frustrating that they could not think of a riff for little girl bites grown man in ass during the barroom brawl scene. Now I wrote that I realise I am making the movie sound interesting. Keep in mind it is a barroom brawl scored by Yanni. Yup. Nothing but flutes and flying khaki.
Either way, kudos to the ladies.
