Merlin: The Return (2000) Review with RiffTrax

Consult the Book of Armaments.

Merlin: The Return (2000): 3 out of 10: is a fantasy adventure film that intertwines the legendary tales of King Arthur with modern-day settings. Directed by Paul Matthews, the movie follows the return of the ancient wizard Merlin to the present day in order to thwart the resurgence of the dark sorceress Morgana.

The movie opens in the mythical realm of Camelot. Merlin, the powerful wizard, helps Arthur and his knights imprison the evil sorceress Morgana and her son Mordred in an enchanted prison, ensuring the safety of the kingdom. Before being sealed away, Morgana vows to return one day to exact her revenge.

The story shifts to modern-day England, where a team of archaeologists led by Dr. Maxwell (played by Tia Carrere) discovers the hidden tomb of Morgana. Unknowingly, they begin breaking the magical seal, setting the stage for Morgana’s return.

Sensing the imminent danger, Merlin (played by a drunk Rik Mayall) awakens from his long slumber. He is transported to the present day to prevent Morgana from unleashing her dark powers upon the world. Confused by the modern world and the script, Merlin seeks allies to aid him in his quest.

And by allies, I mean a group of children, including a boy named Ben and his friends, who become his unlikely companions. That is because this is a children’s film… somehow.

Initially skeptical, the children are soon convinced of the gravity of the situation and pledge to help Merlin. They are joined by Tia Carrere, who, realizing her mistake, assists Merlin in stopping Morgana.

Meanwhile, Morgana (played by Helena Michell) and Mordred (played by Craig Sheffer) begin to regain their strength. Morgana seeks to use modern technology and her ancient sorcery to dominate the world. Which means, of course, Apple home computers and Stonehenge.

The Good

The Good: First of all, Julie Hartley as Guinevere is ridiculously cute. Yes, dreadlocks on Guinevere seem weird, but still a better Guinevere than Kiera Knightly. There is plenty of eye candy outside of Guinevere. So much so, in fact, it really makes one wonder why Mordred wants to escape his prison of hot babes to begin with.

The Bad

The Bad: Tia Carrere is sleepwalking in this film even by Tia Carrere standards. And I love Tia Carrere. Everything else is a mixed bag with some of the cast, such as the boy’s mother and aunt being simply awful. The kids, however, are surprisingly good in parts.

As I state above, “Merlin: The Return” is apparently a kid’s film. I say apparently, though mainly because it has both torture and incest, so kind of Game of Thrones for kids?

What “Merlin: The Return” does not have is anything resembling a coherent plot. Even scene to scene, it makes little sense. So little that the RiffTrax team points out quite correctly, you could show any of the scenes in any order and it would make about the same sense.

The Ugly

The Ugly: Adrian Paul as Lancelot is hilariously miscast. Yes, I know he was in the Highlander TV show, but he simply looks out of place here.

Merlin: The Return is also clearly low budget, though it seems to hit above its weight in places. In other places, such as the foley sounds in the sword fights, it would embarrass a junior high school play.

In Conclusion

In Conclusion: So despite a hopelessly hard to follow let alone care about plot, Merlin: The Return keeps one’s interest partially because of the generous eye candy on screen and partially because it is so crazy one wonders what direction it is going to go next.

RiffTrax Review

RiffTrax Review: 8 out of 10: Merlin: The Return is a solid RiffTrax. I mean, it is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel. You don’t really need the well seasoned riffing crew of RiffTrax to riff a modern day King Arthur movie starring Tia Carrere.

The boys make some pretty good observations, some of which I included in my actual review above. They are also clearly having a good time. But this is hardly thier first King Arthur kids’ film. RiffTrax takes the easy win.