Teeth (2007) Review

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Bite Me

Teeth (2007): 6 out of 10 is a 2007 American comedy horror film written and directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein. The film stars Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Josh Pais, and Hale Appleman.

Dawn O’Keefe (Jess Weixler) is a high school student who becomes the symbol of purity for the Christian abstinence group, “The Promise”. However, Dawn has a dark secret: she has teeth in her vagina, a condition known as vagina dentata.

When Dawn is date raped by her boyfriend, the teeth come into action, and he meets a gruesome end. As the story unfolds, Dawn discovers her power and uses it to exact revenge on the men she believes have wronged her.

I could have sworn I saw a British film with the same vagina dentata theme, but for the life of me, I cannot find any evidence of this.

“Teeth” is a bit on the nose. This is my second viewing and honestly, I liked it a bit more this time around.

The Good

The Good: You know the movie really should be up my alley. I have always loved the vagina dentata theme and “Teeth” does not shy away from that. Director Mitchell Lichtenstein loves his severed penises.

Of course severed penises and cruelty to men are naturally funny. Do not try this with the genders reversed people. Or with black people apparently… The director certainly can’t have his heroine accidentally castrate a black man. Which might explain why Teeth is the whitest film this side of Schindler’s List.

The acting is also pretty top notch across the board. Jess Weixler is excellent as the girl with two sets of teeth. She has the best expressions and is really acting her ass off here. John Hensley is almost too effective as her stepbrother who is interested in cruelty, animal abuse, loud music and his sister’s pussy.

I also have to give credit where credit is due for some of the world building. I was particularly impressed by the in school Promise Keepers group with their red wedding bands and twelve-step program style speaker rally.

The Bad

The Bad: You know for a horror comedy Teeth is not all that funny. It suffers from the same issue the first Butterfly Effect suffered from (Though not nearly to the extent of that film.) The sad horrible scenes are so sad and horrible and are so well done, I don’t really feel like laughing at the next teenage boy looking for his severed penis.

The Ugly

The Ugly: Sometimes you can be too clever. Even with Jess’s whites only policy, it is unclear if all the male victims really deserve such a punishment. By the end of the film, Jess Weixler is Jason Voorhees, using casual sex instead of a machete. The film does not seem to acknowledge this.

There are a lot of background things (Trees that look like vaginas, on the nose billboards, the opening of “The Simpsons” every time Jess’s house is shown.). While I admire the skill of the Easter eggs, again it seems like “Teeth” was trying to hard. There are some subplots that clearly were part of an earlier script (The entire police investigation) that were cut so much that Teeth would have been better off leaving it out altogether.

It is hard to explain why the tone feels so off. There are certainly movies with a similar theme that have stayed dramatic and succeeded. And a killer woman piling up male victims can easily be a fun time at the movies. I mean, “Species” is not a “better” film than “Teeth”. But it is a hell of a lot more fun.

In Conclusion

In Conclusion: While I enjoyed Teeth more the second time, it took me quite a long time to watch it again. My memory was of an overall unpleasant experience. Teeth is not fun. It is tonally all over the place and never seems to pick a lane. As a result, the whiplash one gets watching it leaves an unpleasant taste in one’s mouth. But on the rewatch I really was impressed with Jess Weixler.

Oh-oh, here she comes
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater
This poor guy gets it for bragging to a friend. Using the film’s own rules, I doubt there would be many teenage boys making it out of adolescence intact in this universe.
Copying the poster and visuals from “Slither” which came out the year before, was certainly a choice.
I am not sure vagina dentata is an actual fear men have. That said, mans fear of dark humid caves is well documented.
I love me some mid 2000s web browsers. You know if they kept the police angle in this film, they could have looked at her search history.
Speaking of dropped plot points. The “best friends” and fellow promise keepers Alisha and Phil (Laila Liliana Garro and Adam Wagner) simply disappear halfway through the movie. Which is a shame because Laila Liliana Garro is very cute and they clearly were not keeping the promise.
Duh du duh du duh du du duh dun da da duh.
Despite all the severed penises featured in “Teeth” our “monster” never makes an appearance. The closet we come to seeing the vagina dentata is our buddy above from 1957’s “The Black Scorpion”.
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floatswitchs

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