Lycan Colony (2006) Review

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I saw a werewolf drinkin’ a Sam Adams at the Bull & Finch Pub
His hair was CGI

Lycan Colony (2006): 1 out of 10: I am not Lycan this. A disgraced alcoholic doctor and his family move to a small town that turns out to be populated by werewolves. Meanwhile, a brother and sister team also show up in town to see what happened to thier father who went missing in the woods. They join forces to defeat the werewolves.

Libby Collins and her most talented co-star.

The Good

The Good: Libby Collins as Sarah is both cute and a decent actress. She almost the equivalent of Whitney Moore in Birdemic. A talented, attractive actress in an otherwise horrifically bad movie. Alas, unlike Whitney, who costars in her film, Libby disappears after her couple of scenes early on. Still one good thing?

The garbage can is an appropriate metaphor.

The Bad

The Bad: Where to even begin? This is harder than it looks. First, I have to separate the bad from the ugly and honestly, most of this belongs squarely in ugly. Second, I really don’t want to write a laundry list. So first some ground rules. If there is anything you associate with the art of making a movie such as soundtrack, lighting, pacing, editing ect. You can assume that in Lycan Colony, it is awful.

So instead, I will highlight two particular standouts of awfulness. For bad, let’s talk about special effects.

To quote my Dog Soldiers review

“There are a lot more vampire movies than werewolf movies. (According to an IMDb keyword search 677 vs. 195) This shouldn’t reflect badly on our hairy nocturnal lycanthropic friends. It’s a matter of F/X. For a vampire, all you need is some pancake make-up, some dime-store false teeth, and some Goth clothes, and you’re good to go. Werewolves, on the other hand. actually require some special effects.”

Alas, in the same review I also say “I’ve noticed as a result independent B-movies that feature werewolves tend to be more competently filmed, tighter scripted affairs (Think Ginger Snaps).” Well here comes Lycan Colony to prove me wrong. Very, very wrong. (In all fairness, 1996’s Werewolf also proved me very, very wrong)

The special effects are indeed special. This is a creative level of badness rarely seen. Again, I am spoiled for choice. Let me show five examples below.

Example one is unnecessary “Predator” vision. Which, like many things in this film, appears once never to be referenced again.
This CGI tattoo (which looks much worse in motion as the effects “team” seems unable to hold it still on the actor’s neck) provided much mirth to the RiffTrax guys “Usually tattoos are motionless”. What is bizarre is that this is completely unnecessary. A simple ink drawing on the actor’s neck would have sufficed. Lycan Colony is full of these weird unnecessary special effects, including CGI pane of glass and CGI roadsign (That looks like it came from a racing game on the 3DO.)
Bizarre use of green screen. Again seeming completely unnecessary. Lycan Colony is clearly filmed in the woods near Boston. (New Hampshire I believe) and yet in the middle of these scenes there will be poorly rendered scenes with the same actors in front of a green screen of the same woods. It is a head scratcher.
Lycan Colony has some rather bizarre sexual fetishes (Lots of licking) on display but at times it simply goes full on furry. What we see in the screenshot above is not a werewolf costume. It is something a gentleman wears to Anthrocon to have anonymous sex in the Fernando’s Café bathroom.
Did the director Rob Roy just randomly push buttons on his camcorder?

The Ugly

The Ugly: Harder to show in screenshots. And while highlighted in the video below, the short YouTube clip barely scratches the surface. What am I talking about? Acting.

This isn’t a case where one bit part sticks out for poor acting like the prologue mother in Abbey Grace. This is a plague that effects almost the entire cast. The two standouts of bizarre weak performances happen to be the chief protagonist (the alcoholic doctor) and the chief antagonist (bartender/werewolf).

Here is a thought experiment. Look how bad the special effects above are and they managed to be better than the acting in this film. This is ugly. We are talking bad. Frances Conroy in Catwoman bad.

In Conclusion

In Conclusion: Both Catwoman and 1996’s Werewolf name dropped above got higher scores than Lycan Colony. While this is not the worst film I have ever seen, the level of incompetence is so thorough as to almost be awe-inspiring. First-time writer/director Rob Roy has never made another film. So credit to him having at least some self-awareness about his own talent. (Or there was a restraining order placed preventing him from getting within fifty feet of a movie camera. Either is possible.)

Bill, Kevin and Mike

Rifftrax

RiffTrax: 7 out of 10: Let me quote the poet MutatedHead from the RiffTrax home page

“I love RiffTrax, I truly do. The comedy and entertainment you all have brought to us all these years has been second to none, in my opinion. Thank you.

Yet, I also really love when you guys put your comedic genius to actual bad MOVIES. And not instead to the home videos of lunatics, haha. I thought the first Feeders was alright and I really love The Last Slumber Party a ton. But, man, this is pushing what constitutes as an actual movie in my opinion.

What people like about movies and the riffs is very subjective, of course. I get that completely. But I personally have a real hard time classifying Lycan Colony as a movie at all. It seems more to me like video evidence of why Rob Roy should be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital of the state’s choosing.

I guess, too, that I wish you guys would attack these home videos a lot harder with the jokes and critiques because of how truly abysmal they are.. And maybe not treat them like the more standard, somewhat “professionally” made, bad movies you normally riff.

I don’t know if this, Rollergator, and Suburban Sasquatch are all really high on profit margin. Because maybe they are all public domain or it costs 3/4 of a penny to license them or what? But, I hope we will see some more standard bad movies soon as well, please, thanks.

Again, I’m not trying to denigrate any of you at Rifftrax with what I’ve said. And I’m sure, like it is for everyone right now, that things are tough for you all financially during these insane times we’re living in. So, thanks to everyone at Rifftrax for all you guys do, I’m grateful <3. But if there is a Lycan Crap 2 that you riff, I think I’ll have to pass. This is just too rough to get through, I think.

Oh, and, I wish this would have had captions. I’m sure that is a tall order to ask for with the thick accents in this one. But, between the thick Southie accents and the horrible video audio, I couldn’t relate to some of the riffs because I had no idea what had been said in the video. Thanks. Maybe that’s just me, though? I don’t know.”

MutatedHead has some good points, but one does stick out. RiffTrax is charging $9.99 for the film with riffs, which might be more than either the film cost or the rights to the film. There is certainly a lot of profit margin to be made in a twenty-year-old home movie.

In addition, riffing such a film is also less of a challenge. After all, the movie is hilariously awful without the insight of the boys.

All that said there is value added to the RiffTrax version and, as almost always, it is the best way to watch the Lycan Colony. I am just still unsure if watching Lycan Colony is worth it riffs or not. It really is just that awful.

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?
Why don’t you ask him what’s going wrong?
Why don’t you ask him the latest on his throne?
Don’t say that you love me
Just tell me that you want me
Tusk!
There is a large AA subplot in the movie. Why do I feel that the director Rob Roy just brought his camera to his Monday open meeting?
I had a running gag about examining art in the background in movies. I think I may need to bring that back.
Still a better sex in the graveyard scene than Last Sunset.
I would honestly pay real money to know what the hell is going on in this scene.
Audrey Hepburn in a rare cameo.
Director Rob Roy asks what does this button do.
It is just like that scene from the first Alien. If it had been filmed in the guest bathroom.
There is a strange subtext between the mother and now werewolf son in this movie. Part Mila Kunis lusting after half dog Channing Tatum in Jupiter Ascending. And part Diana Hyland sleeping with her movie son John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble
Seriously, there are some hidden fetishes in Lycan Colony
Of course, not all the fetishes are hidden.
Acting (A human Fozzie Bear if I ever saw one)
I need an actress who will lick anything
Brains
Pigs
Okay, Rob Roy confess. You had this one scene in your head and wrote a whole movie around it to justify its conclusion.
Alright, I am lost again.
I see a bad movie rising.
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