A very special Morman Christmas.
The Christmas Dragon (2014): 5 out of 10: MST3K Version: 7 out of 10: I will admit that I went into this one with my arms at least partially folded.
When I realized, rather late in the game, that The Christmas Dragon was not simply another random fantasy movie being fed into the Mystery Science Theater 3000 machine, but instead a post-Netflix, post-revival, post-whatever-we-are-calling-the-Gizmoplex-era MST3K production, I was prepared to dislike it. I had heard less than glowing things about the whole Gizmoplex/Gizmando/MST3K-after-Netflix situation, and while I am a very nostalgic MST3K viewer, nostalgia is not quite the same thing as blind obedience.
So I expected trouble. Instead, I got something much stranger: a surprisingly pleasant riff on a surprisingly pleasant bad movie, wrapped inside host-segment material that reminded me why “plot” has never been MST3K’s strongest weapon.
The Christmas Dragon itself is a modern fantasy Christmas movie that, for a good long while, is neither especially Christmas nor especially dragon. There is a dragon early on, but its chief contribution seems to be creating orphans and then taking a lengthy smoke break somewhere offscreen. The Christmas element is also suspiciously underdeveloped, unless we are dealing with some sort of Australian or New Zealand Christmas dragon, because the whole thing is extremely sunny, extremely green, and extremely not December.
The plot, to the extent that one wishes to call it that, involves a group of remarkably well-groomed fantasy orphans following a glowing rock north in order to save Christmas by finding “the magic.” What the magic is, why the rock glows, why the dragon has vacated a movie with dragon in the title, and why everyone in the medieval fantasy countryside appears to have access to professional hair and makeup services are questions the film seems content to let float in the crisp, allegedly Christmas air.
And yet, somehow, I did not hate the movie. In fact, I may eventually have to watch The Christmas Dragon naked, by which I mean without the riffing, a clarification that feels important given this movie’s alarming commitment to eyeliner.
The Good
The most pleasant surprise is that the riffing is perfectly fine.
That may sound like faint praise, but given some of the early Netflix-era MST3K material, and given the general danger of post-classic revival riffing, “perfectly fine” is actually a small Christmas miracle. The jokes are not earth-shattering, but they are steady. There are some cute Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones references, some sensible chuckles, and enough decent observations to keep the episode moving.
The newer performers also work better than expected. I had braced myself for irritation, especially after seeing stray clips of later Servo and Crow voices that did not exactly fill me with joy. But here, Servo and Crow are tolerable and occasionally enjoyable. They are not classic Servo and Crow, of course, because almost nothing is classic Servo and Crow except classic Servo and Crow. But they are not actively ruining the experience, and that counts.
The female riffer (Emily Marsh) is also better than I expected. She has a good energy, and while nobody here is going to make you forget the show’s best years, she fits the episode well enough. The rotating-riffer holiday-special format is actually a nice idea, and it gives the episode a bit more variety than it might otherwise have had.
Joel eventually arrives as well, and Joel is Joel. That alone carries a certain amount of comfort food value. MST3K nostalgia works best when it feels like seasoning rather than the entrée, and Joel’s presence, at least in the theater, helps.
The movie itself is also more harmless than expected. It cost about twelve dollars, possibly thirteen if someone found change in a cloak, but it seems to have its heart in the right place. It is upbeat. It is sincere. It is trying to deliver a wholesome fantasy adventure for the holidays, even if the result looks less like a medieval Christmas epic and more like a Renaissance fair sponsored by a salon.
For a film filled with child actors, the acting is also surprisingly not atrocious. That is not nothing. Child-heavy fantasy films can become unbearable very quickly, (Not to mention child-heavy Star Wars prequels) and while these children do not look like orphans from the Middle Ages, or frankly orphans from any millennium, they are not painful to watch.
The movie is also well-lit. Very well lit. Aggressively well lit. It may be the sunniest Christmas fantasy ever made. I am not sure that is a compliment, exactly, but at least you can always see the hair product.
The Bad
The biggest problem with The Christmas Dragon is that the film’s production design is constantly fighting its premise.
These are supposed to be poor medieval fantasy children wandering through danger on a quest to save Christmas. Instead, they look like they have just stepped away from a CW pilot about attractive young villagers with complicated feelings and excellent conditioner. The riffers point this out, and once they do, it becomes impossible to unsee. Everyone has too much product. Everyone. The orphans have too much product. The wandering heroes have too much product. The adults have too much product. This movie may not have enough dragon, but it has enough styling gel to waterproof a castle.
Then the children free a Johnny Depp-style character from a pub, and suddenly the eyeliner situation escalates beyond language. “Goth ranger” gets close. “Ren Faire Jack Sparrow” gets closer. “Captain Jack Sparrow after a semester abroad in Middle-earth” may be the target.
This character is not wearing eyeliner so much as making a theological argument for eyeliner.
The movie’s other major problem is that the title writes a check the film is in no hurry to cash. A movie called The Christmas Dragon should probably have Christmas and dragon in reasonable quantities. Instead, after the early dragon business, the film becomes a glowing-rock quest with children, tax collectors, fantasy woods, and a lot of bright sunshine. The dragon basically exits the film after the first ten minutes, leaving the audience to wonder if the title creature is being paid by the hour.
The riffing has its own uneven spots. There is an attempted Nick Nolte-style voice at one point, and that is simply dangerous territory. RiffTrax has spent years perfecting the Nick Nolte impression. You cannot just wander into Nick Nolte country unprepared. You need to start with something like “Listen, Pathfinder…” and then build from there. This attempt does not quite meet the established Nolte-riffing quality standard.
That is admittedly a niche complaint, but if you are reading a review of an MST3K version of The Christmas Dragon, you are already in niche territory.
The Ugly
The host-segment mythology is where things get rough. This was the final movie of Season 13, and there is definitely a sense of possible farewell or at least transition hanging over the thing. The Gizmoplex/Gizmando theater gets destroyed by a meteor, which may or may not have been foreshadowing, but it certainly feels like the show is making a gesture toward some kind of ending. Unfortunately, the surrounding plot material is not especially funny.
To be fair, host plots were never the main reason anyone watched Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even in the classic years, the invention exchanges, mad-scientist business, satellite shenanigans, and assorted mythology worked best as punctuation. The show lived in the theater. The riffing was the point.
Here, though, the host-segment material feels both overcomplicated and undercooked. I am unclear why I am suddenly looking at graphics that seem borrowed from Earth 2150: The Moon Project, and I am even less clear why the episode seems to think I should be emotionally invested in whatever robot plot or meta-Gizmoplex situation is happening around the movie.
The real issue is not that it is ridiculous. MST3K has always been ridiculous. The issue is that it is not ridiculous in a consistently funny way.
There is also too much “remember this?” energy. I love MST3K. I am exactly the kind of viewer who can appreciate a good callback. A good callback is a wonderful thing. But a callback that exists merely to prove the writers also remember the callback is something else entirely.
MST3K nostalgia works best as a spice. The Christmas Dragon occasionally tries to serve it as the entrée.
Conclusion
I enjoyed this more than I expected. That may not sound like a thunderous endorsement, but given my expectations going in, it is actually a fairly strong recommendation. I was prepared for post-revival MST3K pain. Instead, I got a pleasant, reasonably funny riff of a goofy fantasy Christmas movie that is too sunny, too well-groomed, understocked on dragons, and absolutely drowning in hair-care products.
The MST3K episode is not a classic. The host segments are too busy, the mythology is shaky, and the nostalgia sometimes feels a little too desperate to remind you that MST3K has a past. But the theater segments work well enough, the riffers are better than expected, and the movie itself is oddly likable in its low-budget, clean-faced, heavily conditioned way.
As for The Christmas Dragon, I cannot call it good. I can barely call it Christmas. I can only intermittently call it dragon. But I can call it sincere.
And sometimes, in the world of Mystery Science Theater 3000, sincerity plus bad eyeliner plus a glowing rock is enough to get you through the holidays.
